As I sit here on the North Shore, hearing the waves crashing methodically, I have this overwhelming sense that dad is missing. Some moments I think I could walk around the corner and see him reading out on the back porch. Or, perhaps come in the front door after being gone on an excursion.
We are having a great time here, boogie boarding, building sand castles, and eating great food. And by no means does the abscence of dad prohibit us from having a great time. I'm just saying his abscence is noticable. I am certain he is watching from above enjoying us all enjoying this wonderful place on earth.
There are certain memories that seem so clear as I sit and close my eyes on the back porch. I recall reading and discussing many books together in this same spot. I think the last book I read here was The Shack. I think just like in that book when there is a moment where the main character gets to see and talk with his daughter who had passed away, I think being here provides almost a similar moment. Even more similar is JP's dream about a week ago at home where he did get to talk with Papa Ray and dad.
I can almost hear dad laughing when JP or Mario plays with the kids....swinging them around, throwing them in the air, or helping them play at the beach. I can almost hear dad comment on how incredible Fumi's Shrimp is, or Ted's Bakery's guava butter shrimp sandwich. And I feel a little bit like driving to find the church he went to in high school, just because dad would do so, and he would want to say hi to whoever pastors there now. =)
I am very glad we did not come here right away after dad passed away. I know we all wished we could escape and flee to wonderful relaxation. A place with no feeding tubes, no round the clock caregivers, etc. It would have been wonderful, but would have left us without something to look forward to in the near future. I think each of us getting a chance to process, to heal, to figure out our new norm, has allowed us to come to the North Shore and more than relax...but have fun. I think that may have been hard to do immediately after dad's homegoing.
I smile right now as I hear the kids singing outside. They have definitely been our little entertainers. I also chuckle thinking of dad doing the hula at the Polynesian Cultural Center, or the pig hunt there as well. Random thought, I know. I am also saddened to see his empty place on the bed he and mom shared here, but hope that the grandkids having cartoon time with Nana helps heal a little part of that place in mom's heart.
God is good, and I wouldn't trade my life. I wouldn't want my dad to return to that horrible disease just so I could have him around. And I wouldn't trade my parent's for anyone else's parents. God blessed me so much, and really I am grateful. As I close this "letter" I think of the phrase, "Blessed to be a blessing", and I think that applies here too. I have been blessed with my family. Not just the one I was raised in, but the one I live life with now. And really my whole family is blessed. And so, we aren't supposed to keep it to ourselves...we are meant to bless others, in order to share God's love and goodness with others. May we do it well
